Seems like the first thing I do when I post in this thing is note how long it's been since my last post. But it's been a while. Kaia's in 3rd grade, not just starting Kindergarten. It would be hopeless to try to play catch up at this point. So, what are the most notable things about our lives now? Well, I've changed jobs twice. . .once briefly, to Saatchi & Saatchi. Worst professional experience of my life. Made some good friends and worked with some talented people, but was pretty miserable for the entire year I was there. Publicis and I just didn't mix well. Landed at ZS associates about 2 years ago, and what a difference. It appeals to the propeller hat wearing geek in me - someplace where it's good to be smart! Jason quit his job at the Bardavon about the same time I took the job at ZS and became our "primary parent" to Kaia. We had long since left the world of au pairs and full time help behind so it was a huge relief for me to have someone who could manage the kid's calendar when I was traveling. And I do travel quite a bit. He just had knee surgery and is laid up on the couch. Doesn't make him very happy. But he'll be back to soccer in no time, I am sure. Kaia is funny, clever, and generally a happy kid. She's involved in a lot of things - horseback riding, karate, zumba, wild earth, tutoring. . .and occasionally will rock climb (she comes with me a lot but has lately been less interested in participating, which makes me a bit sad but I don't want to push her too hard). She has her own motorcycle and needs a bigger one desperately - the one she's got now is way too small, probably was from the start. We discovered in Montana this year that getting her a bigger bike, one that actually fit her, made all the difference in her riding ability. So it's likely a bigger motorcycle would mean a step up in skill too. She and I go to Bollywood dance classes Sundays, occasionally interrupted by her asking me to take her to church (!) But I don't think she's really found her passion yet. She's got a boy "friend" at school but isn't boy crazy either, or at least not yet. She's stunning, but hopefully doesn't realize it yet either. I'm creeping up on 50 with all of the fun stuff that comes with that. Creaky and cranky. Quit drinking 4 years ago May. Run pretty much every day since then. Replaced one habit with another, although one that's much healthier. New friends too. . .some of which I like and some of which bothers me. Well, off to put the kid to bed. Perhaps I'll come back to this blog, maybe not. We'll see, won't we?

How in the name of baby ducks did the baby girl I brought home almost 5 years ago turn into this confident young lady walking up the steps of the school bus? Honestly? I know you're supposed to be teary-eyed as your baby heads off to school for the first time but she's so excited about Kindergarten and I would so much rather have her be the first kid up the stairs onto the bus than one of the ones clinging tearfully to parents that are trying to pry their little fingers off of them that I had no regrets at all, other than that Jason missed the whole thing because of a show at work. We're still working on whether Marbletown Elementary or High Meadow will be the kindergarten for Kaia - assuming she gets into High Meadow we'll have her go there, but either way I think she'll have a great time. LOVE.

Things about my Mom

Since Mom died, I've been doing a lot of thinking about my experiences with her as a younger kid. As a 45 year old adult there's a lot of disconnects between various points in time, but I thought maybe writing some of them down might trigger a few thoughts here and there. Some of these fall into the category of family legend or just stories I have told over and over again (so they may be part fact part fiction).
- Mom used to let me hang out in her room while she was getting dressed for parties. She and Dad must have gone out quite a bit since I have many memories of this. She'd walk around in her bra and stockings while she put on makeup and did her hair. Her dresser drawers, the top ones, had all her jewelry in them (they did right up until she died) and she'd carefully pick out what she wanted to go with what she was wearing. Her face powder had a really nice smell to it and I think she used the same powder for a long time, because it's still a smell I associate with fancy dress up parties. No idea where my Dad was at this point, probably already dressed and downstairs.
- Probably when I was younger than when I was watching her get dressed, like little-kid young, she used to make fun of how her hair looked just washed from the shower before she brushed it, kind of shaking her head and saying "Witch!" Somehow I associate this memory with the laundry room or utility room of our house in Japan even though I think that's because she actually dressed up as a witch for Halloween one year and we were in the utility room for some reason.
- I remember sitting on the brown sofa in our old kitchen/family room in New Canaan after school crying about getting teased on the school bus by the older kids and Mom giving me hugs and trying to make me feel better. I don't really remember what she said.
- Shopping for my first bra in the downstairs section of some store in New Canaan, when young girls' bras came in the funny colored boxes and all of them were white and kind of padded.
- Cooking with Mom in her "square" in New Canaan, making apple pie (although she didn't make it much). I also remember the deep fryer she had for making fried chicken (plugged into the wall) and the pancake griddle. Somewhere along the way she let me make a meal for the family and for some reason I wanted to make scallops. I think they were OK, actually.
- Hiking up Mount Washington with Annika Freyss and Mom and Dad. I don't remember if Coulter was there or not. I remember there were mice in the cabin late at night and Annika was freaked out about them. Mom was a total trooper even though I remember she got pretty tired near the top of Tuckerman's ravine. It's pretty cool that she and dad would have done that for me, it's not an easy hike and I have no idea where they got the camping equipment.
- Of course there's the story about my being on a plane as a little kid and telling Mom that I wanted to be a stewardess (that was the term back then) when I grew up, and having her tell me "No, sweetie, you want to be a pilot." I am sure she said something different, but that's what it's turned into over many retellings.
- Sharon Collins would of course remember the famous "you're playing with fire" lecture when we were doodling on Rick and Ken(?)'s jeans one night at our house. I'm sure she thought we were a little less sophisticated than we were about boys at the time, as I recall we knew exactly what we were doing.

I feel like there's so much family history missing from these recollections!

I miss you, Mom.

Thoughts on Motherhood

Well, it's been over a year since I posted on this blog. I had originally intended to post monthly at least, but have really petered out over time. It's not that I don't have things to say about Kaia anymore, in fact she is changing and growing more quickly now than she ever did, really. It's just that when I do think about it and look back to previous posts it seems like the changes are so vast that I need to make them awfully generic to fit into a several paragraph post. She's gotten so mature! And so funny! And big! It doesn't really convey the truth of the person she is.

I had thought that maybe I'd also use this blog to capture some thoughts about Mimi as well, and maybe even thoughts on me, for whatever that's worth. It's not like other folks ever read this so I figure it's enough like a private journal that I could assume that it's only for me to read and come back to. I'd like to think that if I did do that I'd see the same kind of growth and evolution in myself over time that I see in Kaia. It's far less obvious, of course.

One of the things that is bothering me about Mom's death is that as I think about the stories I used to tell about her, to others or to myself, I find myself questioning how much of the stories are apocryphal and how much are really true. One thing I recall is her telling me how important it was for me to get good grades and use my brain ("God given" may have been used as an adjective) because I was never going to make a living on my looks. Now, I don't think I ever fantasized about becoming a Ford model even when that girl Heather that I knew was doing just that - I didn't ever think I was that pretty. But I think that comment, or similar ones, stuck deep. If I try to put myself into Jason's shoes I don't ever "see" me as beautiful, and I can't picture him looking at me and feeling pleased with what he sees. I know, beauty is only skin deep, but I am acutely aware all the time of how we look at Boo and say she is beautiful and I always make the comment that she got her father's looks. My friends always take me to task about that, since it of course implies that she didn't get mine, what a relief. Dad's looks and my brains and business savvy, ha ha. She is beautiful. But I think that some of it she got from me.

It's been way too long

Since I last posted. In the meantime, Kaia, you've turned into a little girl. No more toddler (!). You've developed into one of the sweetest kids I can imagine, funny, smart, and super-independent. For probably the past 4 months you've been getting out of bed on your own, coming in to say hi to us, and then going downstairs and getting yourself breakfast - yogurt, fruit, bread, cheese, whatever's in the fridge that strikes your fancy. It's really amazing! So Jason and I are able to sleep in a bit in the mornings, which is really nice.

You love to pretend you are a puppy (arf arf) and horse, and just started riding lessons a week ago (you're off at your second one right now). And Christmas this year was delightful. You were really into the whole Santa thing and in the morning when we got up the first thing you ran to see was whether Santa had eaten the cookies we left out for him.

We also got out sledding for the first time, you had a great time until we wiped out into the snow and you got a faceful! The snow's almost all melted although I have no doubt we'll get plenty more this winter.

Love you, Kaia-boo!

Bad Mommy

I can't believe I have to type this all over again! It's been a crazy summar, with my changing jobs and essentially doing both of them for the month of July! We took a great trip to Montana with you, and you loved the big girl bunk beds in the room you slept in at the lake house so much we decided to order you one when we got home.

You learned to swim this summer down at Barbara and Ron's and can now paddle around in your lifejacket with tons of confidence. I am sure playdates at Henry's house and all that lake time in Montana helped too! You also learned to pump on a swing all by yourself (although you sometimes claim not to know how so that I will push you).

Your language skills are now amazing - you had a 10 minute phone conversation with Dad this past weekend while he was in California. You are getting to be quite a sophisticated thinker!

You got out of diapers, even at night, although when we/you dropped your bottle, finally, reluctantly, there's been some bedwetting that started up. Maybe too much changing at once? We don't know. We may go back to Pull ups at night.

You also fell on your face over the summer and as a result have a grey tooth on the front top - we are told it's nothing serious and don't want to do baby root canal just for something cosmetic.

Anyway Boo, you're still the sweetest kid ever. I LOVE YOU!

May Days

Well, sure is interesting weather right now, Kaia-boo. We had a great weekend (70s, sunny) and yesterday I played hooky to go climbing, but today it is cold and rainy - thankfully I finally got you down for a nap (third try)!

Your Dad (with help from Mom, Stefan, and Matthew) put together an awesome new playground for you in the back yard, and your new favorite thing to do is to give mommy a heart attack by swinging from the Monkey bars and then just hanging there waiting for me to sprint over and retrieve you, since you can't get off by yourself yet (I mean, sheesh, you're only 2 and a half!). The sandbox is also, as predicted, a huge hit.

Lately, you've also started ditching your clothes in the funniest places (like Mommy's office while Mommy is leading a client meeting), and also talking like a dog all the time (arf arf). You also have become a real two/three year old, complete with the fits about things that we don't think should be a big deal (Daddy took my wet diaper away. . .) At the same time, you have really become an amazingly sweet little girl, and your hugs and kisses when I drop you at school in the morning make my day.

I love you, Boo!