Thoughts on Motherhood

Well, it's been over a year since I posted on this blog. I had originally intended to post monthly at least, but have really petered out over time. It's not that I don't have things to say about Kaia anymore, in fact she is changing and growing more quickly now than she ever did, really. It's just that when I do think about it and look back to previous posts it seems like the changes are so vast that I need to make them awfully generic to fit into a several paragraph post. She's gotten so mature! And so funny! And big! It doesn't really convey the truth of the person she is.

I had thought that maybe I'd also use this blog to capture some thoughts about Mimi as well, and maybe even thoughts on me, for whatever that's worth. It's not like other folks ever read this so I figure it's enough like a private journal that I could assume that it's only for me to read and come back to. I'd like to think that if I did do that I'd see the same kind of growth and evolution in myself over time that I see in Kaia. It's far less obvious, of course.

One of the things that is bothering me about Mom's death is that as I think about the stories I used to tell about her, to others or to myself, I find myself questioning how much of the stories are apocryphal and how much are really true. One thing I recall is her telling me how important it was for me to get good grades and use my brain ("God given" may have been used as an adjective) because I was never going to make a living on my looks. Now, I don't think I ever fantasized about becoming a Ford model even when that girl Heather that I knew was doing just that - I didn't ever think I was that pretty. But I think that comment, or similar ones, stuck deep. If I try to put myself into Jason's shoes I don't ever "see" me as beautiful, and I can't picture him looking at me and feeling pleased with what he sees. I know, beauty is only skin deep, but I am acutely aware all the time of how we look at Boo and say she is beautiful and I always make the comment that she got her father's looks. My friends always take me to task about that, since it of course implies that she didn't get mine, what a relief. Dad's looks and my brains and business savvy, ha ha. She is beautiful. But I think that some of it she got from me.